From Tami: Fertility Struggles

When people hear that I have eleven children in my large, blended family, they generally don’t jump to words like “fertility problems.” It’s true that I never had any issues getting pregnant in my first marriage, from which I have four beautiful children. And it’s true that I have a beautiful family, and we are certainly not lacking in the children department.

But if I had my wish, I would be the mom of twelve kids.

When I remarried, I was in my forties. I knew, intellectually, that this could make it difficult to get pregnant. But I had gotten pregnant easily in my first marriage, and I wanted at least one child to share with my husband. We wanted to create a life together, to have physical evidence of our love for each other. We wanted to be a yours-mine-and-ours family, and bind the step-siblings together through blood. And of course, we both love children — you don’t end up with eleven if you don’t.

It took a while, but I got pregnant. And then I miscarried.

It hurt so terribly, even with all of the kid-related chaos I already had in my life. I couldn’t even really share my experience and emotions with friends, because none of them understood why I wanted another child on top of the eleven I already had. We grieved, and we resolved to try again.

It took a while, but I got pregnant. And then I miscarried.

It hurt even worse, the second time around. One time felt like it may have been a fluke, but twice felt like the beginning of a pattern.

By my third miscarriage, we were done. Neither my husband nor I wanted to keep torturing ourselves, regardless of how much we wanted a child together.

We mourned the losses of the children we would never meet, and we mourned the dreams of swaddles and tiny feet. And then we focused on the eleven who we already had in our lives.

But we both think about those babies, from time to time. We can’t not — they were so wanted.

And I know that we are incredibly lucky to have the children that we have, and I know that there are many who are still struggling to build their families. And I know quite well that families come in so many shapes and sizes, and through so many methods.

So this post goes out to the mamas who had to fight extra hard for their babies, and to the mamas who are still fighting. It goes out to the mamas with angel babies, and the mamas whose babies grew in their hearts but not their bodies. Foster mamas, step-mamas, mamas who waited for years on adoption lists. Mamas who are still waiting. You are all so brave, and so strong.

You are truly Super-Moms.


2 Responses to “From Tami: Fertility Struggles”

  1. Taylor D. on

    Wow, you are absolutely inspiring! Reading this post made me not lose hope. My fiance and I have lost 3 babies over the course of a year and it never gets any easier when it happens. I am lucky to be the step mom of a beautiful little girl, but I have always wanted a child of my own to share with my little family. I am only 20 and its hard to accept that I may never have kids. But your story is inspiring and we will not give up hope. Thank you for that.

    • Bianca on

      Hi Taylor,

      I’m so glad you found my post helpful and felt inspired to share your own struggles. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this tough time, I was devastated every time I lost a baby too. The one thing that might be helpful could be to take a little time off from pregnancy. Try to relax and let both your mind and body heal before trying to conceive again. Seeing as you’re only 20, time is on your side. You have the luxury to enjoy your new little family and adorable step daughter with plenty of time to keep trying for that baby later.
      I wish you all the luck in the world. Please keep me posted – I’m rooting for you!



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